The Not So Secret Diary: God-botherer or gay?

At the top of my list of ‘things I miss from before lockdown’ is the game ‘god-botherer or gay.’ (Pipe down all you benders of faith, this isn’t entirely serious).

Whether pursuing the pickled herring in IKEA food hall or hiking in the great outdoors, this is a sapphic sport that can be enjoyed anywhere there are women.

“As one of the lesbians quoted in this article, this backlash has hurt. Deeply.” Kat Howard reflects on her BBC interview on the cotton ceiling.

Claire Heuchan: “Every time I see one woman dismiss another, either as a ‘TERF’ or ‘handmaiden’, my heart sinks.”

Kat Howard: “I want to see more lesbians on my screen like Amy and Kirsten in Vigil, not just as lesbians, but as women too.”

Claire Heuchan: Lesbian historical fiction gives us the past patriarchy denied

A glance at the neckline reveals the tantalising curve of a polo shirt. But you still can’t quite be sure. Wait, is that a chain around her neck; crucifix or labrys? All bets are off.

It goes like this. At the rustle of a Gor-Tex jacket and your ears prick up and see a woman striding along. Looking up and you notice a suspiciously practical waterproof and sturdy footwear with some serious tread. There is a definite swagger to the walk. You await the ‘ping.’

A glance at the neckline reveals the tantalising curve of a polo shirt. But you still can’t quite be sure. Wait, is that a chain around her neck; crucifix or labrys? All bets are off.

There’s no orangey foundation paste all over her face, but she could still be a cosmetics-free God-girl. Perhaps the sensible shoes are to protect her feet when handing out bibles on a Sunday morning. The waterproof jacket might be a modesty shield, her body is for Christ and her husband alone. The confident stride might be the gait of the saved as she treads the path of the righteous.

The clincher is nearly always the hair; if it has been visited by clippers you’re probably onto a sure thing. Of course, an undercut could mean straight but wants look edgy, especially if dyed an unnatural colour and accompanied by a pronoun badge.

Lockdown has made all these little indications harder. Even the butchest lesbian won’t have had a hair cut for a while, and straight women are eschewing heels lest their walk be deemed non-essential. The usual hangouts are off-bounds, and nobody wears waterproofs on Zoom.

So roll-on the end of lockdown when we can all join the fun of ‘god-botherer or gay’ once again. The fun will really start when the borders re-open, then we can play ‘German or gay.’