Jo Bartosch talks to lesbian women about their experience of meeting so called ‘transbians’ on women-only dating sites

Remember ‘Lisa’ from the cult TV series The L Word? Played to comedic effect, Lisa claimed to be a “lesbian-identified man.” It seems the show’s creators were visionary, today every lesbian dating app and meet-up group will include men who claim to be lesbians, sometimes referred to as ‘transbians.’ The writers of The L Word could not have predicted that over a decade on, lesbians would be pressured to accept male transbians as sexual partners.

If there is one thing that unites lesbians aside from loving women and liking IKEA, it is their dislike of cock. Being fragile and emotional creatures, men aren’t always robust enough to cope with rejection; consequently, generations of female same sex couples have had to find witty retorts to creepy men offering to ‘turn them.’ Today, such objectionable fellas can claim to be ‘transbians’ and enjoy an all-access pass to women’s on and offline spaces.

In 2019 grassroots activist group Get The L Out conducted research into this woke new take on age old male entitlement. Findings showed that 56 per cent of the lesbians surveyed reported that they had been “pressured or coerced into accepting a transwoman as a sexual partner.” Experiences ranged from being duped into going on dates with males who identified as ‘transbians’ to rape. It should be noted that only a small minority of men who identify as lesbians have had any surgery or taken any steps towards ‘transition’ beyond changing clothes and pronouns.

When I asked for women to get in touch with examples of transbians on women-only dating apps, I was expecting a handful of responses; little did I know that within just a few hours I would be inundated by messages from women desperate to share their stories of being harassed, shamed and expelled from lesbian communities.

When I asked for women to get in touch with examples of transbians on women-only dating apps, I was expecting a handful of responses; little did I know that within just a few hours I would be inundated by messages from women desperate to share their stories of being harassed, shamed and expelled from lesbian communities.

The first to contact me was Lucy Masoud, a former firefighter and trade unionist based in London, who “after being single for a while” decided to try a dating app called Hinge. Hinge markets itself as helping users find meaningful relationships rather than casual flings. The app proudly claims to “use a Nobel-Prize winning algorithm to help you zero in on the right person for you.”

Lucy explains: “At first all was well, and I enjoyed using the app. I matched with a few people and formed some good connections. The app was a great way to connect with people during lockdown. I even managed to get myself a few social distanced dates.”

Having had problems with other apps, Lucy was careful to select the “woman seeking woman” option. This was so she “would only see profiles of other women who had selected the same.”

But despite this Lucy was “shown profiles of trans women and men who identified as non-binary or gender fluid. There were also a large number of profiles of heterosexual couples who wanted threesomes with another woman.”

Frustrated by attention from biological men and straight couples, Lucy updated her profile “to let users know that I was only seeking other females.” She changed it to read “all I ask is, that you are on time, that you don’t judge me for watching Love Island, and that you are a biological female”.

Lucy says: “I did not think what I had written was at all controversial, it would save people wasting their time trying to match with me if they were not female.”

“Within days of me editing my profile I received a message from Hinge to say that I had been permanently banned from the app… I instantly knew it was due to my stating that I was only interested in females. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate on my profile that could be deemed ‘offensive’, apart from my comment about only wanting to meet females.”

Hinge disagreed. Much to her dismay Lucy recalls:

“Within days of me editing my profile I received a message from Hinge to say that I had been permanently banned from the app. I immediately contacted Hinge to ask why they had taken this action, and was quickly informed it was because I had breached their terms and conditions in respect to ‘offensive content’. I instantly knew it was due to my stating that I was only interested in females. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate on my profile that could be deemed ‘offensive’, apart from my comment about only wanting to meet females.”

For Lucy, such intolerance is reminiscent of the prejudice of earlier decades:

“As a black lesbian who grew up in the 80s, our community were fighting for basic human rights, to be told in 2020 that I was no longer allowed to only want to date females, is beyond disturbing.”

Hinge were contacted for comment but no response was forthcoming.

The problem of men who identify as transgender appearing as matches for lesbians is not just restricted to the UK. Within an hour of asking on Twitter I was contacted by women in Switzerland, New Zealand, Ireland, the US and Netherlands. Lucia got in touch to share her experiences of online dating in Spain.

Lucia used the lesbian dating app Wapa, which is for meeting people and flirting. She explains: “Every time a transgender person tried to contact me I was extremely polite and I replied that I was not interested.”

Lucia only wanted to date women. Because of this she was thrown off Wapa:

“They would never admit I didn’t want to chat because they were not interesting, they would say I was a transphobic bigot… so every fucking time, every fucking time, the rejected person complained”.

I am always coming across trans women on these sites, as a lesbian I’m not interested and there should be a way I can filter this out (respectfully). It is bizarre that I can filter based on someone’s height or star sign but not on sex which is fundamental to my sexual orientation.”

Another lesbian user of Hinge from the UK told me: “I am always coming across trans women on these sites, as a lesbian I’m not interested and there should be a way I can filter this out (respectfully). It is bizarre that I can filter based on someone’s height or star sign but not on sex which is fundamental to my sexual orientation.”

It should be noted that it is not just men who identify as transbians that plague the women-only sections of dating sites and apps; a number of women reported being contacted by ordinary heterosexual men who don’t claim to be anything other than male.

Once one might have expected the lesbian and gay press to be outraged by the sexual harassment of lesbians. But instead, from Autostraddle to Allure lesbians are advised to get over their inconvenient dislike of penis. Helpful articles such as “How to Have Lesbian Sex With a Trans Woman” and “Sex With Trans Women 101: A Guide for Queer Cis Women” give tips on dealing with ‘girl dick.’ 

Ultimately, there is no way to tell whether the transbians who lurk on lesbian dating sites genuinely believe themselves to be women or if they are porn-fuelled fetishists on a power trip. Their motivations don’t matter, what does is that their presence in lesbian communities is having a devastating impact on women’s right to exclusively love other women. Today under the guise of inclusivity the right of abusive men to erode women’s sexual boundaries is facilitated by dating apps and coded into the guidelines of digital communities. Lesbians looking for love online face a stark choice; they can step into the rainbow closet of ‘girl dick’ and ‘transbians’ or close the door on the online world.

Jo Bartosch is a writer and campaigner for the rights of women and girls.